Tuesday, June 15, 2010

What the Hell's Wrong w/ Me?

I honestly believe blogging is as close to the spoken word of thought as anything else out there. It's like art in the spoken word, it shouldn't be processed, you shouldn't have to sugar-coat your thoughts or feelings -- just write, edit later.

Whenever I diet, I diet hard - I don't know any other way. I supplement w/ the ECA Stack, watch my foods (not always my calories), and adopt a rigidity to my daily processes that would likely intimidate most people outside the [gym] loop. A person that's disciplined from within, as opposed to reacting to external actors and/or pressures, will almost always succeed. When you eat, train, supplement, and sleep w/ yourself as the recipient of all the benefits of your sacrifices, you selfishly will not settle for anything but the absolute best.

But peptalks aside -- I'm not your average guy. I'm normally hyper-sensitive and very emotional; I'm a guy's guy, but I have a really hard time not living up to people's expectations. A mean face, an unanswered greeting, a petty act that to most wouldn't even warrant a second thought, can truly break my spirits, f*ck up my day, and send my heart and soul on a wild rollercoaster ride that would make menopause seem like a happy-go-lucky recess from the pitfalls of everyday life.

In class today, (Con. Law Seminar) I literally doodled on my notebook and heard all my classmates opine per the cues of the professor. Many of the opinions were delievered in legal-ease, using far too complex terminology for otherwise simple (if not elementary) ponderings of a group far more enchanted by the sound of their voice, than making any kind of meritorious argument. Oooops...there I go now... sounding all scholarly, and all I could have said was -- they talked too much, largely about nothing. But... the professor applauded each one of them w/ "brilliant comment," "very well thought out," nice connection,".. you'd think he had Earl Warren, Thurgood Marshall, Benjamin Cardozo, and William Brennan for students!

I gave up even trying, he never once has complimented me like that and has even told me to let others have a chance -- I gave up speaking Wk4, it's now Wk7 -- I'm asked to speak, but I just can't and won't. I wanted to take this course soo badly, but now my whole time in class is spent doodling over the notes of points I'd fantasized all week about making in class, just to give me something else to think about but just balling in class right there. It's a total 2hr pity party -- and I'm the guest of honor.

So I wonder, is this crazy diet consisting of limited calories, further broken down into moderate protein, controlled fats, and only carbs that can defeat strict scrutiny prior to being consumed, a leading culprit in my seeming emotional breakdown? Or am I just a really bad grudge-holder and too immature for my own good? Is there a point in time where we as sensient human beings are too in-touch with our emotions for our own good?

I can hold a grudge longer than most. It goes back to the selfish motivation behind rigid dieting and hardcore training -- when you're the source of your inspiration and yours is the benefit reaped from sacrifice, you will settle only for the best. And when it's your feelings and your heart on the line, if it means holding onto to a grudge to save face, then you do it -- no questions asked, or at least I do it.

On that note, you also have to know when to let go. I don't know that I feel ready to participate as I did the first four weeks of school, but I did feel the need to give Ben (fellow lifter) an explanation for why I was ignoring him and his steady work-out partner. It's kind of unrelated, but it's also really not. If you're still reading, then read some more.

I basically resented the fact that two very fit members of my current gym were highly selective of who they spoke with and why during many instances it seemed my greetings fell on deaf ears -- it hurt me. I'm an emotional guy, and what makes me hardcore is that I'm man enough to admit it. The Alpha Male may be balls to the wall tough, but $10 says they can't articulate a single emotion -- it's not in them. So if you're an Alpha-anything and you think you're better than me -- may the next toilet you sit on have a generous amount of fresh superglue on it :). lol

The fact is -- in my way of thinking, warped as it is -- if a girl is rude or mean to you but her boyfriend is not, you have to quit talking to both of them. It's a respect issue for me; I'm not going to buddy it up with a guy and then ignore his girl -- that just seems off. Well as it turns out, Wong always said hello to me and was always super nice, as the grudge wore on, everytime I ignored this kid, it took a toll on me b/c I can't stand to live with myself when I'm being rude to nice people (even if this means merely giving the cold shoulder).

His workout partner on the other hand, like the female-halves of a couple of other duos, have forced me to cut ties with their really cool, genuine male halves b/c of the looming awkwardness earlier discussed. The young woman in question always seemed to be above and beyond my reach -- not romantic reach, mind you, but worse still, my social reach. It was like if there was a social ladder to reach her spot on the hierarchy of life, by the time I got a chance to climb, someone had hammered off most of the rungs off and greased the few remaining, thoroughly.

So, I gave up. And it seemed of little concern to her. But when I made up with Ben, almost immediately I received a compliment for losing weight and working hard from her. I found out that she only noticed I existed, because he made a comment about me. But guess what, I want to be noticed when I'm fat and out of shape too, because the amount fat I carry -- or don't, doesn't define me as a human being. The physique snobs of the world shouldn't measure the self-worth of their peers along the same lines as the body fat index!

Anyways, I won't talk to this woman. It's awkward as hell talking to Ben and having her stand there beside him, smiling, nodding along as if she's an integral part of the conversation. It's awkward for me, because her demeanor is seemingly that of a really nice girl that wants to be my friend, but I'm also regularly reminded of all the times I was invisible -- even when I wasn't holding any grudges... you don't ever want to be made to feel like you're a nobody -- not anywhere, but much less in the gym.

You can use that rejection as motivation to work harder and get better, but it's not optimal; the feelings of inadequacy will trump all others. Even bone dry, razor sharp, vascular, grainy, and balanced - or - well-read, prepared, and eager to debate... a wounded heart will crush your soul.